Fox Message Board in the House
by goodmorningstarshine
Summary: A fanfic for my friends at the House message board. Several chapters are up and I hope to write more.
1. Clinic

I'm writing this fan fic for my friends on the Fox Message Board. Love you guys! Doc, I'm working on your section next. Bard, try to keep your jello still, I'll get to you. Hermetica and FourTell, I know you aren't there yet, but you are going to be my big finale, so don't get miffed!

I don't own House, Bard, ElusiveFox, Jessie (sortofvague), Hue, TheDrIsIn, Hermetica or ForeTell, I'm just acting like I do. I do own CMeaux, so at least I'm not screwing someone out of their personality!

House walked into the clinic with a swagger. He really couldn't help having a swagger, it was a result of the muscle damage to his leg. He clearly was in a bad mood today. The mood could have been a result of the infarction as well, but today it wasn't. Today it was the clinic that caused his anger at the world.

He went to the front desk to sign in to the torture that was the clinic. A smallish, thin nurse in her mid 30's stood at the desk with a look that was both expectant and anxious. "You're twenty minutes late for clinic duty", she said with a shaking voice. House squinted at her, saying "Dr. Cuddy? Is that you? You seem somewhat…different. Somehow less, I don't know, Cuddyish."

"Dr Cuddy's not here today, Dr. House" the timid nurse said quietly.

"Probably still in bed after last night's drunken orgy," House said suggestively, leaning over the counter toward the trembling girl as he pulled out his gameboy. "I'll just take this into exam room one and I'll see you in three hours."

"I can't let you do that Dr. House." As House looked incredulously at the nurse, she made an effort to stand up straighter and gather her courage.

"And just why can't I, Nurse…what's your name? You can't have been here very long…" House's sneer made his meaning clear. She couldn't have been here very long if she was willing to speak up to him like she just had.

"I've been here five years, Dr House, and my name is Annette Steinkamp. You can't play your gameboy today because there are no other doctors, they're all sick or unreachable. And the waiting room is full." As Annette spoke she gathered a pile of medical files and placed them gently but firmly on the counter in front of House. "You can take them in whichever order you prefer. They all came in together."

House stared at the tiny nurse in awe. Sizing her up, he saw that she was indeed very firm. A Cuddy free day and still there was no escape from clinic duty. "You're _worse_ than Cuddy", House said in a stunned hush.

"Thank you, Dr. House," Annette said with the same firmly quiet voice. "Good luck".

Confused by this statement, House turned to the waiting room and glanced at the patients.


	2. Meet the Ladies

Confused by this statement, House turned to the waiting room and glanced at the patients. Sitting in the chairs lined along the wall were a large group of women. A blonde woman near the door was wearing a lab coat and a stethoscope over a t-shirt that read "Fish are friends, not food". She was glaring across the room at a woman who was dressed in fur. The woman stared back at her vacantly.

Another has a bottle of pills in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other. She was wearing a cocktail dress like one might where to a bar and being propped up by a weary looking girl who reached across and pried the bottle from her fingers and placed it in her purse. The drunken woman then nudged her friend, saying, "CMeaux, look over there. A hidden camera made out of liquorice!" As her friend foolishly glanced in the direction she pointed while mumbling "call me Crystal", she missed seeing her friend reached into the large purse and pull out the bottle, taking a swig. As Crystal looked back at her and saw what had happened, she let out a low, threatening "Foxy!", snatching the bottle back and putting it in her purse.

A young woman that looked around was staring at him in a sort of vague way, a pool of drool dripping into a puddle at her feet. She was quietly chanting something to herself as though it were a mantra. Every now in then she would let out an odd exclamation for no particular reason. It sounded vaguely like a "SQUEE", whatever that was supposed to mean. House watched as the he tired looking woman, Crystal, climbed from under her inebriated friend and rushed over to the drooler with a tissue. "Jessie, you're getting drool on your shoes again, sweetie. If you can't control your saliva glands, don't look at him!" While she was busy tying a blindfold on Jessie, the woman she called Foxy reached back in her bag and recaptured the vodka bottle.

The most normal looking woman in the room was a woman with the worst sense of style House had ever seen, and he rarely paid attention to that type of thing. Her clothes were hanging off her body and appeared to be at least three sizes too large for her. Her makeup was much too bold for her face, and wasn't applied within the confines of where it was supposed to be; blush ventured up to her eyebrows while lipstick was smeared across her chin. Quite unexpectedly she spoke. "Have I thanked you all for letting me sit by the window, yet…?"

Everyone sitting in the waiting room cut her off. "Yes, Hue, you thanked us!" They sounded frustrated. "Twelve times and counting", the woman with the lab coat said. "We didn't care who sat at the window. And you don't have to thank us for answering your posts. Believe it or not, we _like_ your posts! By the way, you've got lipstick on your teeth, Hue." House blinked blankly. She had lipstick everywhere other than her lips. Why would a little bit on her teeth be a problem?

Hue looked up anxiously. "It doesn't look good on me, does it?" she asked, nervously glancing toward the woman in fur. "Bard said she won't be my friend if I'm prettier than her."

This drew House's attention to the woman in question. What she was wearing wasn't real fur, but was in fact faux fur that made up the whole of a pink bunny suit. She had two pieces of liquorice sticking out of her nose, one piece black and one piece red. On her lap was a perfectly formed Jello mold. Looking up into her eyes, House saw that somehow she was managing to blink innocently and leer at him at the same time. When she saw that she had made eye contact, the woman jiggled her Jello suggestively and said, "Hi Dr. House. I'm Bard. I've wanted to meet you for a long time now."


	3. Jessie

House was speechless. This was a three Vicodin moment. He took out his bottle and swallowed them without water, closing his eyes and waiting for the relief to come. When he opened them again, he realized that it hadn't worked. They were all still there, waiting for him to treat them.

He was looking down at the pile of charts in his arms, trying to decide if it would be best to get the least painful cases out of the way first or to save them for the end. Looking between the woman in the bunny suit and the woman who was blindfolded and chanting, he wasn't sure if there was a case that wouldn't be painful. He picked a folder at random.

"Jessie," he called? "Sortofvague?" He saw the girl with the blindfold stiffen as a trail of saliva dripped out of her open mouth. Looking at her chart, he could see no reason for such behavior. This could prove to be interesting after all. He walked over to her chair, avoiding the puddles of drool on the floor. He was close enough now that he could hear some of the words that were spilling from her lips. "We are not incredibly insecure. We are actually able to trust another human being. We are not angry, misanthropic… The words sounded familiar. "Could you tell me what the problem is, Jessie?"

Jessie ripped the blindfold off her face and her eyes snapped up. "You want to know what _my_ problem is? I think a better question would be what's _your_ problem, Dr. House? I think that with them, it's a massive amount of small things that have accumulated over the course of the series. I don't know that I want to go through everything... but hopefully people watch the re-run of Fidelity next week very carefully. Cameron gets a lot of screen in that episode, and the centrifuge conversation is so great. Especially what she says to him right before both of their pagers go off. (I HATE the pagers. Honestly. Obviously they're necessary, but they're the most blatant plot devices ever. On the other hand, I love them for that. I love when the pagers go off and cut off a scene at precisely the moment where it's about to get REALLY interesting, because I know the writers are laughing to themselves about what they know our reactions must be. For me, a lot of screaming and waving my arms around.) But, anyway. Yeah, I forget where I was going with that. I should stop distracting myself with pager rants. I guess I could reiterate what I said about tragic flaws: We see exactly how each character sort of screws him or herself over, but we also see that they can't do anything other than what they do, because that's THEM. And that's how real people are, geez. And that's why we love these guys so much, and get online and argue about them with strangers. And form Defense Squads for them. What I'm trying to say is, you love Cameron, you twit, and everyone knows it! I just came here to let you know that!

Oh, and I forgot to mention: SQQQUUUEEEEEEEE!

Dr House looked both taken aback and frightened. Especially when Jessie let out the squee she had been holding inside for what felt like forever.

"Don't worry about it", Hue, the most perceptive among the ladies said, "she does that all the time. She's a well educated, analytical shipper/fangirl."

"That's the most dangerous type", House said seriously. "Deceptively simple at first glance, but ready to pull out an intelligently worded criticism or essay at any time. Keep your eye on this one. She could get dangerous if crossed." He turned from Jessie, who was drooling once again, quickly moving to the next folder.


	4. Foxy and Crystal

Before he could call out the name of the next patient, he watched as 'Foxy' reached into Crystal's purse and pulled out the now almost empty bottle of vodka. "You can't have drugs or alcohol in the hospital", House managed to say as he pried the bottle of medicine out of Foxy's hand, too stunned to be snarky.

Crystal gave him a wry look. "No drugs in the hospital. Of course not. What an inappropriate place to imbibe medication. I should have realized…" she trailed off, looking pointedly at the jacket pocket where he had just placed the Vicoden bottle.

"I do not use Vicoden to get high. I use it to relieve my pain", an annoyed House said waspishly. He clearly expected her to notice his cane and back down. It was a trick that he used quite often. Most people avoided mentioning or looking at his leg until he brought it to their attention. Then, embarrassed, they stopped bothering him rather quickly.

Crystal looked first at House's leg, then up into his eyes. Aiming a pained look at Foxy, who was practicing her drunken karate in the middle of the waiting room floor, Crystal said, "You use drugs for pain relief? So do I." She uncapped the bottle of vodka and sloshed it around in the bottle, drawing Foxy's attention. "Foxy" she called softly, "look what I've got…"

Foxy tripped back over to her chair happily, draping her arm around Crystal's neck as she sank down onto the chair. "CMeaux, you're the besht friend a gurl ev-a had–hic" Foxy slurred. "Thanksh for lettin me live on your coush all thesje weeks, SheeMoooe…"

Crystal looked back at House pointedly. "I see your point" he said, handing the nearly empty bottle of pills back to ElusiveFox. She beamed up at him happily. "What's the matter with you, SheeMooe?"

"Call me Crystal" CMeaux said. "Nothing's the matter with me, other than the fact that I am tired and sick. Foxy here," she said, directing a glare at Foxy, "Keeps me up late every night with her entertaining posts. And she gave me a computer virus."

"Computer viruses aren't curable by a doctor." He glanced at her swollen, red nose. "Neither is the common cold."

"They aren't? Gee. I thought that there was probably some secret cure that you brilliant doctors were keeping from the general public so you wouldn't have to make all of that money." She started speaking slower, "I know there is nothing you can do for my cold. I'm here with Foxy. She raids my liquor cabinets and then wants to go places. I couldn't unleash her on an unsuspecting public."

House was developing a throbbing headache. He slowly turned toward this 'Foxy' and thumbed through the medical files. "ElusiveFox? Why are you here?"

"I'm hungry", Foxy replied. "Bard said there was something really yummy waiting at the hospital!"

House looked back at Bard, who was jiggling her Jello a little more desperately.

"So you're not sick?" he asked tiredly.

"Nope", Foxy said happily.


	5. The Dr Is In

5. The Doctor is In

House took the chart off the top of the pile. "TheDrIsIn", he called, turning to the woman in the lab coat. "Dr…that would be you, would it not?" He heard a voice mumble behind him "she's not a real doctor. She's not even a real blonde…" He attempted to ignore it as he prepared to treat an actual sick person. At this point he might just enjoy a normal case of indigestion, and he hoped that is all this would be.

The doctor sat up in her seat. "Yes, I'm the doctor," the woman replied in a confident manner. Rising to her feet, she realized that she was considerably shorter that Dr. House. "I'm here about the pig."

"The pig?" Dr. House asked wearily, rubbing his hand over his stubbled face. This day was getting more and more ridiculous by the moment. Even with his superior mental prowess he was having a difficult time keeping up with what was happening. "I don't treat pigs. I'm a doctor, not a veterinarian. You should be aware of the difference, Dr."

"She's not a doctor!" the voice behind him repeated more adamantly. He chose to ignore this and continued to wait for an explanation.

"The pig, Dr. House. I know about the pig. You hooked it to that mobster so that it could filter his blood when his liver couldn't. You said that Joey would be alright, but not the pig. Where is that pig now, Dr. House? Can you tell me that?"

Thinking of the confidentiality between a doctor and his patient, House replied, "How do you know about my patient's treatment? Not even the people at the Witness Protection Program know about that…"

Starting stonily at House, Doc said, "Where's. the. pig."

"Piggy heaven?" House replied.

"Just as I thought!" Doc said as she stalked toward him. "Did it never occur to you that animals have rights, Dr. House? That pig never did anything wrong, that it would have lived a long, healthy piggy life if it weren't for you?"

House backed away warily and slid on the drool coating the floor. He now sat in the empty chair next to Jessie, who leaned toward him and murmured, 'Mmm, you smell as good as you look. Squee!" House quickly rose to his feet and hobbled back toward Doc, trying to focus on what she had last said. "I must say that it never did occur to me…" He was cut off by a sudden exclamation.

"Of course you never thought of it. An inconsiderate, bitter, sexy, limping twerp like you never thinks of anyone but himself. Look at Bard." House glanced over at Bard, who was still wiggling her Jello as she ran her hands over her bunny ears and blew kisses at him. "Even she has the decency to wear faux fur. Although I'm going to have to say that I don't approve of pretending that you are wearing animal skins simply to be in style."

House squinted at Bard's costume. That was supposed to be stylish? Turning back to TheDrIsIn, House said on a sigh, "So you aren't sick either. Isn't that right, Dr?"

CMeaux jumped to her feet and shouted, "She's not a doctor! She is pretending to be a doctor! She is unemployed! She is deceiving us all!" before she collapsed back onto her chair.

Foxy looked at her with a scrunched up forehead and held out the nearly empty bottle of vodka in a hand that wavered before her face. "Sheemoe, I think you may need thish more than me. Calm down".

"No, I'm not sick. I just wanted you to know how I feel about your practices. Leave the animals alone!"

"Fine. Whatever." House said, turning to his next patient. "Hue?"


	6. Hue

"Yes, I'm Hue," Hue said, standing up just a bit too quickly and tipping over her chair in the process. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Hue apologized as she tried to right the table. She managed to knock three magazines off a nearby table and hit both the window and a potted fichus tree. She apologized profusely as she put things back in order, "I didn't mean to do that!"

"Really?" House said as he rubbed his index finger and thumb over his temples. "I was under the impression that you all were here to destroy the clinic. Not that I would mind terribly if you did, but if you could wait until tomorrow when I'm not in it, that would-"

House was cut off as Hue interrupted, "Oh no, that wouldn't suit our purposes at _all_, Dr. House!"

_Hue_ was then interrupted when every woman in the room said, "Shhh! Be quiet Hue!"

Dr. House looked around the room suspiciously. "You all have ulterior motives for being here?" Every face in the room looked guilty except Foxy, who let out a loud, contented 'hic' and was looking very happy indeed. And of course there was Bard. She looked completely pleased with herself. If House had been told a few hours that there was a way a woman could seductively jiggle Jello at a man, he never would have believed it, but somehow her actions were moving swiftly from distracting to entrancing.

House looked back at Hue, who had nervously spread the streak of mascara that trailed across her cheek over across her upper lip. It looked like the type of mustache men in old fashioned melodramas used to wear. What Jimmy Buffet had called 'A Pencil Thin Mustache." Staring at Hue's guilty expression, House decided that this was the weakest link. She reminded him of Cameron in a way. Far too nice for her own good and easy to manipulate. This should be a piece of cake.

House stepped forward until he loomed over Hue. He then put his left hand under her chin and tipped up her face. Leaning forward a bit more he brushed his thumb gently over her upper lip as stared deeply into her eyes. "Hue," he murmured as his thumb repeated its hypnotizing movement, "You seem to have a mascara mustache."

Hue blushed prettily. House, still looking into her eyes, quietly said, "Hue, you are a beautiful woman. Why should you have to hide yourself under all of this for someone else? You don't have to be less pretty than someone else for them to like you. I just met you and I already like you."

Hue blinked up in confusion. "You _like_ me," she asked in a much stronger voice. He nodded, still staring into her eyes. Hue quickly took two steps backward, and House almost fell at her quick movement. Raising up her head, she shouted, "CMeaux! Crystal! I need to speak with you right now!"

Crystal, still sitting in the clinic lobby, looked up and said "What?" Foxy was seated on the floor at her feet. She had kicked off her shoes but was still, thankfully, wearing her cocktail dress. She held the empty vodka bottle in her hand and was spinning it in circles, clearly attempting to play spin the bottle. As House was the only man in the room, she would stop the bottle when it pointed to him every time and then sit for the next few seconds with her lips puckered.

"Not you," Hue said impatiently. "Crystal, I know you are up there writing this. You'd better talk to me right now!"

"What do you want," a voice boomed down from the ceiling. "I'm trying to write your fan fic here!"

"Well, you're not doing such a hot job of it," Hue exclaimed. "House would never try to seduce a clinic patient in order to get information out of them!"

"You're right! I wouldn't," House exclaimed in an irritated manner. "Who are you talking to?"

"This story isn't about him, Hue. It's about you ladies. I'm just taking some creative license."

Hue yelled, "Well, I'm not like this either! Look at my makeup! And this dress is falling off me! And I'm nothing like Cameron! You'd better fix this right now Crystal! I mean RIGHT NOW!"

"Your wish is my command, Hue," Crystal mumbled as the quiet sound of computer keys typing once again filled the air. And when the next paragraph began, the characters forgot the whole conversation and the existence of the author.

Jessie was still drooling, Doc was still mumbling about animals' feelings, Bard was still jiggling her Jello, the character Crystal was still tiredly watching Foxy, and Hue and House were once again staring into one another's eyes. The only thing that had changed was that where Foxy had been spinning the bottle alone earlier, now there was a man who looked like the actor Hugh Laurie. Every time the bottle stopped spinning, it landed on the Hugh look alike, who happily complied with the rules of the game.

"Where were we," Hue asked House suddenly. "Oh yes. I'm going to be a psychotic pharmacist when I grow up."

"Really? So you will be able to fill prescriptions for Vicodin, hmm? Maybe I should take down your phone number."

Hue looked away from him nervously. "Actually, I'm staying with Bard right now," Hue said with a note of desperation. "Perhaps you should ask her for her number" she suggested with a wink toward Bard.

House turned slowly to the Jello jiggling, bunny suit wearing, liquorice stuffed nosed woman and sighed. After nearly an hour he was sure that he had reached the source of all this insanity. He was just about to start interrogating her when suddenly the door of the clinic was kicked open and two women in black leather coats came in. One was holding a camcorder and humming a song that clearly had not been released in the US, a fact he knew purely for the purpose of character identification. The other was weighed down with several heavy volumes of weighty looking text that had pentangles and pentagrams on them.

"I'm Hermetica," the woman with the books said, "this is FourTell. We're here to pick up the broads."


End file.
